I had to keep reminding myself that it was the right thing to do.
Although it doesn’t always feel like I did the right thing, but I really had to keep telling myself that I did the right thing. Even though the pain was and sometimes still is excruciating. Even though the great memories and hopeful future with that person would make me doubt my decisions.
Hey you,
Today’s topic is a hard and personal one that I have been trying to avoid for months. Today I will be talking about how to know when a relationship is over.
It’s quite funny that I will be talking about this, while I never publicly announced that I was dating someone. Well… I guess the cat’s out of the bag now. It’s been a couple of months since it ended and the past two weeks it has been on my heart to talk about it, because I realize that there are a lot of people that struggle with this. And I’ve seen a lot of people take desperate measures to try and make things work that sometimes just need to end.
Wow, I know that sounded quite harsh, but it is true. There are times when staying together is not serving any of you and trying to make it work is digging an even deeper hole rather than spending some time by yourself.
It’s dreadful right? When you’ve been with someone for a while your entire life shifts and you get comfortable and even happy having someone by your side that you can do life with at all times.
I didn’t think I’d be here today, tbh. I thought that 2022 was when I was going to announce the beauty of a relationship and how the wait was completely worth it, but here I am, struggling with a broken heart and trying to restore the beautiful vision of relationships God once showed me.
I will not go into too many details about the relationship itself, but I do want to note that there was nothing wrong with either of us, we just needed to go through the journey with the Lord separately. Although everything inside me hopes “who knows, maybe one day God can…”, but there is also a big chance that He won’t.
I know that there are a lot of posts on how to detect red flags and how to obviously know that that person isn’t the one for you, but today I want to address it from the perspective of there are no toxic red flags, but subtle nudges that don’t seem like a big issue in the beginning, but actually are bigger long term.
How to know when a relationship is over
Here are 7 ways to know that the relationship is over. Just to clarify, this is only when you’re dating. When you’re married these are not things that can be considered grounds for divorce.
1. When the relationship makes you question your worth
No, this does not mean that every single time you feel insecure, you should break up with someone, be careful that you don’t self-sabotage yourself that way.
What I mean with this is when you repeatedly doubt whether you’re worthy of being loved, repeatedly question whether you are loved, seek constant validation from the other person and are only content with yourself when you have that validation, then it’s not healthy anymore.
When you become anxious about who you are and start telling yourself things like “I don’t deserve that person, they would be better off without me, I’m not good enough.” When you start believing these lies, it’s not going to be healthy for either of you to go on with the relationship. The more validation you seek, the more validation you will need. It’s a never ending cycle and if you’re not content and confident within yourself, you’re only dragging the other person down as well.
2. When it becomes a duty rather than an honor
Yes, it’s true that sometimes relationships will look more like a battlefield than a cloudy bed, but if the only reason why you’re still with that person is that you have decided to stay and nothing more, you’re not in love with the person anymore and that is completely okay.
Being in a relationship has two components: being in love and committing to the promise you made to each other to be by their side. If you have only one of those components, it might work on the short term, but long term this is very damaging, because even though you’re convinced, the other person will know.
They will sense that something is off and to be honest this is one that can stay in the dark for a long time.
Remember: It is an honor for you to be with your partner and for them to be with you, be grateful, don’t take it for granted.
You’re both deeply loved by God and just know, when you mess with one of God’s own, He will not take that lightly.
3. When you’re no longer helping that person become the best version of themselves
When your presence is making them stay stagnant or take steps back. You’re doing them an injustice by staying.
When you love someone, sometimes you need to let them go.
When you love someone, sometimes you need to let them go.
If you want them to become the best version of themselves, but you’re realizing that with you being there, they’re not doing what God called them to, it means that you’re distracting them and no it’s not always your fault, but it is happening and you can’t change someone’s perception of you.
4. When it’s leading you further away from who you were created to be
Sometimes you’re not distracting them, but they are distracting you. Are you still doing what you used to do before you started dating or did the relationship change everything?
Although it is important to bring schedules together so that you can spend enough time together, it’s not okay when you don’t have time to do the things you’re supposed to be doing.
5. When they express that they don’t want it anymore
Yes, the moment he said he doesn’t want it anymore, he meant it.
Yes, the moment she said she wanted to be alone again, she meant it.
If they say they think it’s not going to work, believe that that is what they mean. If they say they don’t want to see you, it means just that.
I know these are very harsh truths to come to terms with, but when you spend time listening to what they say about being in a relationship, do take it to heart. Don’t disregard what they say about it.
Often when you like someone it’s easy to brush off these things, but it’s important to be attentive and believe that what they say is the truth.
Listening to the words they tell you, without trying to make some sort of puzzle out of it is one of the best ways to know what the other person truly thinks.
6. When you start needing them
When you NEED the person in your life, it’s straight up a red flag. When you’re going to tell yourself you can’t live without them, or your life is incomplete without them, it’s toxic attachment. One of the subtle ways I knew, was through this one. I didn’t realize it for a while until the moment I caught myself saying it out loud.
In a relationship, you’re partners, you don’t need them to function. You function on your own. You’re in a relationship with someone, because you want to be, not because you can’t live without one.
If you are convinced you can’t live without that person, then it’s best for you to take a step back and find strength, contentment and joy by being by yourself with God.
7. When you think there’s someone better out there
Yes, sometimes people are convinced that there’s someone better out there for them. By staying, you’re really hurting the other person and you can’t love them fully, because your heart is divided.
If you are pondering on the thought that there is someone better for you or that you want to explore more before you settle down, then it’s time to end the relationship you’re in.
As you can see none of these reasons above have anything to do with a person’s character, but have everything to do with the state of their mind and their heart, so it’s important to know that if you were broken up with for any of the reasons above or if you broke up with someone for any of the reasons above, it has nothing to do with your personality, it has everything to do with the person’s heart and mindset.
A verse that I like to remember while going through the pain of the breakup is Psalm 18:2
The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
Psalm 18:2
I hope you enjoyed
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Have a blessed week!
Big love,
Joy
