Hey guys, how have you been? I hope well, and I have been blessed thank you. đ
I haven’t shared many testimonies, but today I wanted to share my testimony on how I came to love myself with you guys.
As I had said in part 1 people used to say a lot of things to me that made me doubt myself, but I wasnât always like that. In this testimony you will find how the negativity started, how it impacted me and where I’m at now. I hope you enjoy the story
The beginning of the journey
When I was younger my mom always used to call me beautiful and at a certain age she told me and my sister to tell ourselves that in the mirror every morning. I used to think it was absurd. Why would we talk to ourselves in the mirror? I still did it though, for a few years Iâd tell myself how beautiful I was until I was about 13 I think⌠During that time, I did have insecurities, but it never really used to bother me too much. I never used to doubt who I was as a person. I didn’t realize how important the instruction really was. (Don’t tell her I told you guys đ )
The part of the testimony where things get ugly
When you start secondary school a lot of people have opinions they always want to share, and they had a lot of opinions. Of which some of them were about me. At first, I just used to brush it of or just get angry in the moment and forget about it after that, but after sometime it actually started internalizing it⌠It slowly started taking over my thoughts and feelings and it wasnât good. I slowly started convincing myself that what they said was true, but that was absolutely not the truth.
After convincing myself on the inside I also started changing on the outside to the person they said I was and they were proud, because then they could say âI knew itâ (for the economists out there: self-fulfilling prophecy đ). I felt even worse and it became worse and worse until I was in 4th year I think. Thatâs when I was done with it, it became too much, and I started realizing that I wasnât the person that I wanted to be, and I started changing. In 2016 I had an amazing year filed with self-awareness and -growth.
I found confidence in the fact that God loved me no matter what and He had a plan!
I found confidence in the fact that God loved me no matter what and He had a plan! He wasnât done with me yet! During that period, I had my mental glow up! I felt the best I had ever felt before. I still wasnât perfect according to the book, but I knew who I was and that did a lot.
Sadly, after I left high school, I found myself in the same pit again. Uni wasn’t going well at all and I gained 20kg. It made me regret hating myself in the past which caused more guilt and shame. I started feeling completely worthless. I was tired of being positive and strong. I was tired of keeping my head high. I was so drained I just wanted to disappear and start a new life somewhere else. I didn’t know what to do after that.
So, I tried many different escapes; partying, boys, shutting off my emotions, cry parties, taking impulsive trips which I couldn’t afford, working too much, self-sabotaging amazing opportunities and binge watching a whole lot of series. Anything to get my mind of what I was going through. I became very fake to the people around me; they knew something was up, but I’d refuse to tell them. It became so bad that they actually started believing that I was okay and that I had just changed.
Although I’d go to church, read my Bible and listen to many other messages; I’d filter out what parts would have access to my heart and which ones wouldn’t. I absolutely did not want to deal with the pain, hurt and dirt that was consuming my heart.
The part of the testimony where everything changes
Until I got really tired of loathing myself. I got so sick and tired of not having my life together, because even though everything around me was going bad; I still had big dreams and too much vision. I had so many plans for my life and too many ideas. Deep down I still had a sense of identity and I started to remember the times when I was proud of being me.
The part of the testimony where God intervenes
I decided to let God in on these thoughts and issues. After I let Him in again; all the walls and masks came tumbling down. I had to rebuild myself again, this time in a healthy way. I started changing my perspective and perception of life.
Then I went on to remember who I am in Christ. When you know who you are, then no one will manage to break you or direct you the wrong way! I remembered how beautiful it was to be a strong woman. I remembered why being me was so important. To me that was a huge step forward, but I still wasnât there yet.
After I had realized that God had made me fearfully and wonderfully (Psalm 139:14), and that made me realize how awesome I am, but even when you know how awesome you are, you still have to take care of yourself right?
How I did that, I can share in another post if you like?
I hope you enjoyed this post, and if you have please donât be shy and leave a like or a comment! đ
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Big love,
Joy
