Hey guys, how have you been? I hope well, and I have been blessed thank you. 😊
I haven’t shared many testimonies, but today I wanted to share my testimony on how I came to love myself with you guys.
As I had said in part 1 people used to say a lot of things to me that made me doubt myself, but I wasn’t always like that. In this testimony you will find how the negativity started, how it impacted me and where I’m at now. I hope you enjoy the story
The beginning of the journey
When I was younger my mom always used to call me beautiful and at a certain age she told me and my sister to tell ourselves that in the mirror every morning. I used to think it was absurd. Why would we talk to ourselves in the mirror? I still did it though, for a few years I’d tell myself how beautiful I was until I was about 13 I think… During that time, I did have insecurities, but it never really used to bother me too much. I never used to doubt who I was as a person. I didn’t realize how important the instruction really was. (Don’t tell her I told you guys 😉 )
The part of the testimony where things get ugly
When you start secondary school a lot of people have opinions they always want to share, and they had a lot of opinions. Of which some of them were about me. At first, I just used to brush it of or just get angry in the moment and forget about it after that, but after sometime it actually started internalizing it… It slowly started taking over my thoughts and feelings and it wasn’t good. I slowly started convincing myself that what they said was true, but that was absolutely not the truth.
After convincing myself on the inside I also started changing on the outside to the person they said I was and they were proud, because then they could say “I knew it” (for the economists out there: self-fulfilling prophecy 😉). I felt even worse and it became worse and worse until I was in 4th year I think. That’s when I was done with it, it became too much, and I started realizing that I wasn’t the person that I wanted to be, and I started changing. In 2016 I had an amazing year filed with self-awareness and -growth.
I found confidence in the fact that God loved me no matter what and He had a plan!
I found confidence in the fact that God loved me no matter what and He had a plan! He wasn’t done with me yet! During that period, I had my mental glow up! I felt the best I had ever felt before. I still wasn’t perfect according to the book, but I knew who I was and that did a lot.
Sadly, after I left high school, I found myself in the same pit again. Uni wasn’t going well at all and I gained 20kg. It made me regret hating myself in the past which caused more guilt and shame. I started feeling completely worthless. I was tired of being positive and strong. I was tired of keeping my head high. I was so drained I just wanted to disappear and start a new life somewhere else. I didn’t know what to do after that.
So, I tried many different escapes; partying, boys, shutting off my emotions, cry parties, taking impulsive trips which I couldn’t afford, working too much, self-sabotaging amazing opportunities and binge watching a whole lot of series. Anything to get my mind of what I was going through. I became very fake to the people around me; they knew something was up, but I’d refuse to tell them. It became so bad that they actually started believing that I was okay and that I had just changed.
Although I’d go to church, read my Bible and listen to many other messages; I’d filter out what parts would have access to my heart and which ones wouldn’t. I absolutely did not want to deal with the pain, hurt and dirt that was consuming my heart.
The part of the testimony where everything changes
Until I got really tired of loathing myself. I got so sick and tired of not having my life together, because even though everything around me was going bad; I still had big dreams and too much vision. I had so many plans for my life and too many ideas. Deep down I still had a sense of identity and I started to remember the times when I was proud of being me.
The part of the testimony where God intervenes
I decided to let God in on these thoughts and issues. After I let Him in again; all the walls and masks came tumbling down. I had to rebuild myself again, this time in a healthy way. I started changing my perspective and perception of life.
Then I went on to remember who I am in Christ. When you know who you are, then no one will manage to break you or direct you the wrong way! I remembered how beautiful it was to be a strong woman. I remembered why being me was so important. To me that was a huge step forward, but I still wasn’t there yet.
After I had realized that God had made me fearfully and wonderfully (Psalm 139:14), and that made me realize how awesome I am, but even when you know how awesome you are, you still have to take care of yourself right?
How I did that, I can share in another post if you like?
I hope you enjoyed this post, and if you have please don’t be shy and leave a like or a comment! 😉
If you want to read more posts, click here.
If you want to follow my day to day journey, follow me on Instagram here.
Big love,
Joy
